


Kathryn and everything after

by august_the_real



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-14
Updated: 2015-01-14
Packaged: 2018-03-07 13:39:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3175130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/august_the_real/pseuds/august_the_real
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."<br/>I am not worried. I am not overly concerned.<br/>My friend implores me,<br/>"For one time only, make an exception."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kathryn and everything after

I think she's drunk. No, strike that. I'm positive she's drunk. I  
don't think anyone told her that the drinks are not synthanol. But  
then again, I think she knows. Even a first year cadet can tell the  
difference between real and replicated alcohol.

I think she wants us to believe that she doesn't know.

But that's okay. I can keep a secret.

And she still works the room, even when she's had a few. A quiet word  
with Tom and B'Elanna, to make sure that no one interrupts them in a  
turbo-lift again. A quick lecture to Seven about the inappropriateness  
of discussing bodily functions at a formal gathering. A very long talk  
with Neelix to try and placate over the over-heard comment about his  
hair pasta hor d'oeuvres.

And then the few moments to herself, when she thinks no one is  
looking. She should know by now that I watch her. I always watch her.

"Commander." Her voice broke into my thoughts, and I turned to face  
her, smiling. "You're not indulging in the melancholy, I hope."

"No, Captain. Just wondering whose budget these rations are coming out  
of." She laughed loudly, and it was completely infectious.

"Yours, Chakotay, it's part of the first officer deal, remember?"

"The one where I serve under you, right?" Damn. I didn't mean to say  
that out loud.

"Right." Her answer surprised me even more. "But I must say Chakotay,  
I think I get the better deal."

"My, my, Captain, pretty punchy tonight. Something in the punch?" It  
was a pretty awful joke, I admit it straight up. But she laughed  
again, loud and long. I must have looked amused because she  
straightened up and sighed.

"I think," She said, placing a hand on my chest, whispering  
laughingly, "that I've had entirely too much to drink to be a  
respectable Captain."

"Well that's alright." I laughed, drinking further. "I was never a  
respectable Commander."

"That's always been a point in your favour." She smiled and stared at  
me, almost sizing me up. "Care for a walk, Commander?" I returned her  
gaze for a moment and then drained my glass. Setting it down on the  
table I nodded, and followed her off of the holodeck.

\---  
You try to tell yourself the  
things you try to tell yourself  
To make yourself forget.  
I am not worried  
"If it's love," she said, "then  
we're going to have to think  
about the consequences."  
But she can't stop shaking  
I can't stop touching her and . . .

From: Anna Begins  
The Counting Crows  
\---

From the moment we enter the turbo-lift I watch her. In all the times  
I had imagined this moment, I had always assumed that I would be all  
over her, that I couldn't keep my hands off her. But here I am,  
standing across the turbo-lift and I'm watching her.

She tucks a stray hair behind her ear and I don't think I've seen a  
more beautiful thing. She notices me studying her and grins  
self-consciously. She sways a little and laughs out loud as she has to  
support herself against thewall. I smile. At least I think I'm  
smiling. I certainly feel like smiling, watching her like she's the  
only thing I have ever seen.

"Chakotay--" Her voice sounds strange. "You're staring."

I smile again.

"Captain." I deliberately leer. "You're drunk."

"The good thing about being in the Delta Quadrant, Chakotay, is that  
there is no higher authority. If the Captain gets drunk, the Captain  
gets drunk." She smiled, happy with herself. I never thought I would  
hear Kathryn Janeway slur her words. "And besides, I saw the Commander  
of this ship slugging back a few tonight. Who would you report it to -  
\- all commanding officers are drunk."

"Tuvok's drinking?" I quipped, and she burst out laughing.

The moment caught me again, and she took my breath away. The doors of  
the turbo-lift slid open and we both stood there, not really knowing  
what to do.

"After you, of course." She said, smiling and I nodded.

We walked slowly. Leisurely. Heading in no particular direction.

"It was a nice party." I noted.

"I could have killed Darby and his damn comments about Neelix's food.  
I thought the poor man was going to break down in tears right then and  
there -- he's so touchy about his food."

"Which is strange, considering his food."

"Why Commander, I thought you liked the hair pasta. Or is it his  
souffle that's your favourite?"

I snorted at the comment and we walked a little in silence. And then  
we just stopped in front of her quarters. Nothing was said, nothing  
was hinted at. We just stopped.

"I've seen this ship before." She began.

"Yes." I agreed.

"I'm a little too tired to walk tonight." She added.

"Yes."

"Would you like to-"

"Yes."

And that was it. We stumbled into her quarters, and it was a little  
clumsier than I would have liked. She kissed me with such passion and  
then broke down with laughter a second later. We made love against the  
wall of her cabin, slipping once and laughing even more.

It was nice.

And later -- much later, I laid my head on my pillow, smiling only at  
the fact that I was alive, and that Kathryn Janeway was in my arms.

\---  
This time when kindness falls  
like rain  
It washes her away and Anna  
begins to change her mind  
"These seconds when I'm  
shaking leave me shuddering  
for days," she says  
And I'm not ready for this sort  
of thing

From: Anna Begins  
by The Counting Crows  
\---

There are scenes in my life that I will never forget. My first ride in  
a shuttlecraft. My father refusing to shake my hand as I boarded the  
transport to join Starfleet. The flickering screen of the terminal  
when the message about Dorvan V's attack came through.

Little insidious images which come to me at the most inopportune  
times, which have burned themselves on the back of my eyelids. Images  
which can sober me in a second, no matter where I am.

After that night, I had another image to add. Kathryn Janeway sitting  
on my couch, with a detox hypo sitting in her lap.

Synthanol, the standard drink served on board ships, is one of those  
disgustingly useful inventions. It lends the same sense of being  
drunk, but can be instantly over-ridden by a rush of adrenaline in the  
system. That means when you need to be sober, you will be. I don't  
pretend to understand the mechanics of it, it's just what we call  
'Federation safe'. What we used to call 'Federation safe'.

Real alcohol, like Romulan Ale or the old Earth whiskey is a slightly  
more complicated matter. There is no 'automatic over-ride'. If you're  
drunk on that, you're drunk. But, the wonders of modern medicine being  
what they are, all it takes is a quick detox hypo and within minutes  
the chemicals in your body are neutralised. Safe.

Normally people who are drinking real alcohol hypo themselves before  
going to bed. It's a relatively easy process, and the hypo can be  
called up on any replicator. It's one of the first tricks you learn in  
first year academy, when being wild was all about contraband alcohol  
and dealing with Ferengis. Personally, I always preferred to ride it  
out -- to wake with that slightly nauseating feeling in my stomach,  
it made me feel -- something -- back then.

And standing here now, it just makes it seem so . . . safe. Or fake.  
And very Starfleet. Having the experience and denying yourself the  
consequences. Wanting to have it all. Very Starfleet. Very Kathryn.

I was surprised she hadn't done it sooner.

"Kathryn?" I stepped forward into the light, and she turned to me. For  
the first time I noticed she had been crying. She was crying. She  
didn't say anything, just looked away again. I think if she had been  
sobbing, it would have been easier to deal with -- but this -- there  
were tears just running down her cheek.

"Kathryn?" I repeated, moving to her and sitting on the edge of the  
couch.

"I was going to use this, but . . ." Her voice trailed off and she  
looked away again.

"You know, we don't have to talk about this now. I realise that this  
is just a once-"

She put a finger over my mouth and left it there longer than she had  
to.

And then it all just happened so quickly. She leaned towards me like  
she was being pulled, and we kissed. Slowly at first, like she  
expected me to pull away at any moment. And then she was laying  
against me, pushing me back into the couch and then there was a  
desperation to it all -- it came hard and fast and it took my breath  
away.

Her hands were on me, cold, and she lifted the shirt over my head. I  
pulled at her blouse and we shifted so that she was sitting on top of  
me. There was a look on her face, like I was a console that wouldn't  
perform and the determination of it all scared me.

I moved again and rolled her under me, she lifted her hips to mine. I  
was looking straight into her eyes as my fingers webbed across the  
side of her face -- I noted, quite detached, that she was crying again  
and she lifted her face to meet mine.

We kissed and it was angry, but she molded herself to me, lifted to  
meet me. Until I was moving on Kathryn Janeway and her head was  
balanced over the edge of the couch and she was gasping with each  
movement and clawing at my back and my breath was coming hard and I  
don't think I could have stopped then, if I wanted to.

After, I lay on top of her for a while, until she pushed me off. We  
lay together, squashed on that couch in the darkness. The hypo was  
sticking into my back, but I was willing to deal with it for a while  
longer. We lay in silence, with tears and sadness and the dark  
blanketing us like rain.

Kathryn Janeway was lying by my side, and I don't think I've ever felt  
more alone than that night. We lay there for so long I thought she was  
asleep. And then she took my hand.

"I'm not sure if I'm ready for this sort of thing."

\---  
Her kindness bangs a gong  
it's moving me along  
and Anna begins to fade away.  
She's chasing me away,  
she disappears and  
oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing

From: Anna Begins  
by The Counting Crows  
\---

Federation days come about so quickly -- it's five years now since  
that night with Kathryn. I remember it, of course, quite clearly.  
After she spoke we lay in silence. I couldn't bring myself to let go  
of her hand, or move away. I think I knew, even then, that it would be  
the last time I ever did so.

"We can't do this, can we?" I asked, at some point.

"No." She answered, at a disconnected moment much later.

And she was right, I think. I know now that I would have waited --  
months, years . . . for the rest of my life for her. It's not  
something that I'm proud of today, but it's the truth. I was prepared  
to accept anything she would give me, just because *she* gave it. She  
saw it, I didn't.

I love her, yes. I've never had my breath taken away, lay sobbing  
beneath someone like I did with her. I was even *in* love with her,  
for years. But it was more than she could give. And in the end I  
couldn't settle for less -- we both owed each other more than that.

Voyager is still running -- our sojourn through space not nearly over.  
And I have a wife, and a daughter. I love them very much. And Kathryn  
is seeing someone, I think. She'll tell me when she's ready.  
I wonder -- a little -- if . . . if lots of things. If I should have  
called the moment, demanded more. If I should have --

"Commander." Her voice startled me, and I spun around to face her.  
"You're not indulging in the melancholy, I hope." She smiled and  
handed me a drink.

"No, Captain. Just wondering whose budget these rations are coming out  
of." It's an old joke, but we do it every year. Acknowledging what  
could have been, and what is. She tapped her glass with mine.

"Yours Chakotay, it's part of the first officer deal, remember?"


End file.
